i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
