so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
