Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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