I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
