I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
