The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
