wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
