When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
she looked like the before picture.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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