I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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