Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
