trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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