Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
