i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
