I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Sorry my hands just texted you
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
