so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
