im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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