i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize