i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
you had me at cake vodka
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
