In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
