dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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