I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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