She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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