I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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