I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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