he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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