I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
