I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize