My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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