theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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