He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
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