gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
