I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
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