i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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