saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
