try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
