I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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