god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize