There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Randomize
