He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Randomize
