he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
