I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
