Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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