My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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