come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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