it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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