Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize