It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
