How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
