I accidentally had phone sex last night
My liver just broke up with me...
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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