If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
