I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
