accomplished twins. life is a go
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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