I just made out with a guy for $7.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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