My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
