So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
