And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
