I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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