I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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