so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
