I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
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