and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
