You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
