I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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